A Ponderance on Hobbits

Last night I began the journey into the final-final piece of this age by J.R.R. Tolkien, “The Fall of Gondolin”, only making it into the preface by Christopher Tolkien.  In …

Of Silence and Thoughts…(part 1)

It’s been a long time since I actually went somewhere totally by myself.  In fact, I can’t remember a time in the last 15 years that I went somewhere completely …

Fee Fie Faux

The great Patrick Rothfuss has issued a challenge.  A challenge I could not resist.  But it was not the challenge that drew me in, iron-to-lodestone.  It was the challenge within the challenge.  In short he said “Think like me and write like me, but don’t write like me or think like me.”  So I did or didn’t, however you should choose to look at it.  Enjoy:

Minute One:

The aging boy languished at the countenance staring back at him from the other side of the reflective metal plate.  Lines etched his brow, as they were wont to do when one is either perplexed at the level of their boredom or laden beneath the granite weight of stress.

He rubbed his hands together briskly to regain some warmth.  Looking at those hands you’d never think this man worth his current position.  Kraz, as his friends called him, traced the scar at the base of his right-hand thumb, lost in the memory.

Minute Two:

Blood.  It always began with blood.  The moment the knife sliced across his hand he knew the depth of the danger he faced.  He’d trained years for this moment, learning the motions and all the intricacies one must afford to become masterful at their craft.

He’d found through sweat and the dull ache of muscles, the true shape of things.  The wood and metal in his soft fingered grip were silent reminders that he was the true danger, like bees, or the daddy-long-legs silently whispering in the corner.

Tears slowly began to mount the lowest of his eyelids, but the onion lay before him, perfectly cut to a hundred-hundred pieces.  He looked toward the sink, mind racing in decision.  He cleared his thoughts and blinked his eyes clear, moving the untarnished pieces of onion to safety with the dull edge of the blade.  Setting the knife down, he stepped, wrenched the faucet on and rinsed his soon-to-be scar under trickling water.

Minute Three:

The crash of a door from behind shook Kraz from his reminiscence. He took up the towel beneath his hands once again, sighing the deep sigh of a man resigned to his resignation.  Turning with surety and wiping dry on the apron at his waist, he faced the man approaching from the latrine.

“Mint or a towel, good sir?”

What is a year?

Geez, a year goes fast.  As I sit here in wonderment about all that I’ve seen in the last 377 days, I’m quite amazed at it all.  378 days ago, I took my last drink.  I was facing possible incarceration and a whole slew of negative things.  Fines, restrictions, court dates, penalties and did I mention more fees?  I’d like to tell you that I sprung back without a glitch.  I’d like to tell you that I stood strong in the storm, that I survived by sheer force of my will.  This would be untrue, and immodest of me to claim.

377 days ago, after that last night when I couldn’t finish my beer out of guilt, I knelt beside my bed.  I had had enough.  And in that night of praying, one word rang clear.  Obedience.  “Be still, Tony.  I am God.”(Improvised Psalm 46:10)  I’m not even close to perfect, but what I can tell you is this.  He’s right.  In everything, and through everything, saying Yes to Jesus and no to my own desires has led me in a direction even I couldn’t fathom after 13 years in the drink.  Sobriety.  I worked 2 jobs, paid for a lawyer, paid all my dues, and in the end this has turned into a $10k lesson.  One I couldn’t afford on my own…but hey that’s what Philippians 4:19 reminds me.

The clarity of mind, the peace in my heart, it has come through much pain – much MUCH personal sacrifice – and hard work.  I laid down the beer, and picked up the bible.  Laid down the fear, and picked up the worship.  And now, as I consider the year behind, I consider it with joy.  It took a bad situation (that could have been much worse) to open my eyes to where my life was going.  I lived in the far lands as the prodigal son did, and when the famine hit and my life would end up in shambles…It was full sprint back home to my Father.

I am never leaving again.  Through grace, I have gotten my unrestricted license back, “normal person” plates back on my car and interlock removed.  Even more than that, I was able to pay off my fines today, a mere 6 months after sentencing.  And it has nothing to do with me, other than my willingness to go where God led me.  I’ve effectively read the Old Testament twice, and in 68 days I’ll have finished the first full reading (cover to cover) I’ve ever done from start to finish.

Looking to the near future, I am excited that my church, Berean Baptist, is beginning an initiative called REACH.  It is my hope that I can be a part of that, and in-so-doing, find a new fire.  Blaming my school debt for keeping me away from where the Lord would send me is a thing of the past.  I will move forward, unhindered.  Undiminished. Unashamed.

What’s in a year?  Triumph.  Victory.  Joy.  Yes, I had a massive uphill fight, but looking back now it was all worth it.  Freedom is in love, forgiveness and compassion.  Being slave to the negative things in life just stinks, so I choose not to be.  I choose to win, and win humbly.  I choose to live and laugh.

It is my sincere hope that if you are in the position I was a year ago, you can find hope in these meager words.  If you are alive, it is not over.  While there is breath in your lungs, you can find hope.  If things are dark, don’t sit in the darkness.  Jesus Christ is [yes, is] the Light of the World (John 8:13).  He came so that those in darkness would not have to walk in darkness, but have light.  His love, stretched out on the cross, extends through time…across all divides, to bring you life.  Ever-lasting, unchanging, bold, UNSURPASSED life.

Pain ends.  Sadness ends.  His word, his plan to redeem us NEVER ends (Matthew 28:20).  His plan to give us a bountiful life never ends.  If you feel broken, shattered, at the end of yourself…You are.  Don’t fear, that’s where you should be!  God longs for you to allow him to take the shattered pieces of you and make them beautiful, radiant, shining in His splendor.  When you find that place as I did so many years ago, you’ll find it involves a pair of knees and a contrite heart.  Tell Him who you are (yes, He knows), tell him what you’ve done (yes, He knows this too), and ask Him to make you whole.  After all, that’s why he gave his Son to us.  We couldn’t do it.  We wouldn’t do it.  So he did it for us.  It is Finished. (John 19:30)

I love you.  With more passion and more fervor than I can type into this sentence, I love you.  I’m typing really hard right now, does that help?  Anyways I bring all of this to you in Jesus Christ.  Unapologetic.  Uncompromising.  Stronger than all.  Servant of all.

Warrior Shepherd

It’s funny how a new perspective can really spin something you know so well and give it a serious make-over.  In particular I’m reflecting on Psalm 23.  Pastor Wes Feltner, in his sermon today as a part of his “Mix-Tape” series, focused directly on what I’m calling “the dusty psalm”.  It’s set aside as a ‘use-me-when-you’re-sad-or-someone-died’ verse.  Otherwise, this sleeper knock-out of a verse sits and collects dust beside us.

At least for me.

Today taught me one huge thing.  This verse isn’t about death.  It’s not even about the thought of death or comforting one in death.  This song (yes, all of the psalms are songs) is an anthem to those dying to live.  If we want to talk about power, let’s talk about this.

“The Lord (Yahweh) is my Shepherd.”  Short?  You bet.  Meaningless?  Weak?  Meek?  Absolutely and definitely not.  Remember who is writing this, and it transforms from passive/lovey-dovey to powerful.  King David wrote this psalm.  Let’s look back at who David was before he was King of Israel.  He was a young teenager, just one of thousands standing before the armies of the Philistines.  9-foot-tall Goliath had been strutting before the Israeli army for over a month, shouting “I defy the armies of Israel!”(1Sam 17:10)

The shepherd David, hearing this, first responded, “Who is this pagan Philistine anyway, that he is ALLOWED to defy the armies of the living God?”(1Sam 17:26)… See that?  He’s aghast at the very idea that Goliath is getting away with such a travesty.  When summoned to King Saul’s side he quickly tells the king that he’ll fight.  This is met with scoffing and rebuke, but that doesn’t deter David one bit.

LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS: “I have been taking care of my father’s sheep and goats.  When a lion or bear comes to steal a lamb from the flock, I go after it with a club and rescue the lamb from its mouth.  If the animal turns on me, I catch it by the jaw and club it to death.  I have done this to both lions and bears, and I’ll do it to this pagan Philistine too, for he has defied the armies of the living God!  The LORD who rescued me from the claws of the lion and the bear will rescue me from this Philistine!” (1 Samuel 17:32)

Unreal.  He’s saying to Saul, the King of Israel, “He’s been a warrior since birth?  That’s nothing!  I’m a SHEPHERD.  The LORD has saved me from beasts before, this is no different!”

Let’s recap what happened next.  David lived unscathed.  Goliath died.  Killed by a shepherd.  Not a soft man, whispering sweet nothings to his pretty little sheep.  No.  A warrior.  A man who faced down bears and lions to protect those in his charge.  He rose up once again to protect those in his charge.  Israel.

Now let us jump ahead.  Who did God say he would use to save mankind?  David.  In reality, the LINE OF DAVID.   “And I will set over them one shepherd, my servant David.  He will feed them and be a shepherd to them. And I, the Lord will be their God, and my servant David will be a prince among my people.  I, the LORD, have spoken!” (Ezekiel 34:23)

And again.  To Jesus.  “I am the good shepherd.  The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep.  A hired hand will run when he sees a wolf coming.  He will abandon the sheep because they don’t belong to him and he isn’t their shepherd.  And so the wolf attacks and scatters the flock.  The hired hand runs away because he’s working only for the money and doesn’t really care about the sheep.”  He goes on to say, “No one can take my life from me.  I sacrifice it voluntarily.  For I have the authority to lay it down when I want to and also to take it up again.  For this is what my Father has commanded.”(John 10: 11-18)

Did you catch those first 5 words?  JESUS IS THE GOOD SHEPHERD.  What’s this mean?   Jesus, who gave his life, and took it back up again, is a warrior!  Strong.  Mighty.  A bastion of power against the world and anything that can come at me.  The Lord is MY shepherd.  Not a weak person, but an unheeding defender who will face down my enemies!

I haven’t seen this version of my shepherd, ever, in my perspective view.  Does that mean He hasn’t been there?  On the contrary, he has ALWAYS been there.  He’s still there.  In the midst of my own screw ups, my current predicament, my inner struggles and lies…he’s standing tall for me.

When I go to my next court date, my Shepherd will go before me.  When I wake up tomorrow to face a week of work, He will go before me.  When I try to figure out where my finances will get better, and the Enemy begins to poke and prod, my Shepherd will lead me down the right paths.  He will, as he always has, provide for me.  My first step is to surrender.  Lay down.

Take a moment, realign your view.  See the Warrior standing behind you.  Now let’s run through this again.  Let it fill you.  Let it lay you down.  Let it cover you.

“The Lord is my Shepherd.  I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures.  He leads me beside still waters.  He renews my soul.  He guides me along right paths, for His namesake.  Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.  Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.  You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.  You honor me by anointing my head with oil.  My cup overflows with blessing.  Surely your goodness and unfailing love (mercy) will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.”

What a ride

I’m keeping this short, for the sake of time.  However, know this… I am back.  I will take 30 minutes out of every evening and I will be bringing something fantastical to my page again.  Nothing long, nothing extravagant, but nonetheless.  I must write.  I must create.  It has been too long.  Once, my mind was creative and muddled by alcohol.  Now, my mind is sober.  It is a coiled, sleeping dragon.  The dragon has woken.

The Betrayed

Darkness.  I looked around and could see only darkness.  The wind continued to blow, cold and biting, so I knew it was only in my head.  Biting.  The word seemed so fitting for the moment.  The world had a tendency to bite, didn’t it?  Funny, as much as being the King of my own kingdom didn’t change that.  A night of sleep in my soft bed couldn’t abate this feeling.  I had woken early, fending the shadows of morning off just barely enough to get out of bed. How could she??  Stepping out onto the battlements, feeling the icy winter’s breath on my face cooled my headache, but did little to push back the dread and bewilderment.  Is anything real?  What am I even doing in life?  I ran my fingers over the crenelations in the stone walls.  Standing above the land, and behind these grand blocks of stone kept me from the pain. Or so you thought, fool.  

I looked out over the holdings I could see from my vantage point.  The river cutting through the earth to the southwest, churning with it’s haste to reach the destination.  Ironically, the battering seas, do you begin to see?  Comfort.  That’s where my life meant something before.  In days past.  I had been upended by her betrayal.

To find that an acquaintance was naught but smoke and mirrors, that could be handled easily enough.  Banishment.  This woman, however flawed and however distant, moving around far reaches of the castle, had gained a place at the table.  Comfort and counsel were in her laugh.  When she came around (chose to, that is), lights brightened, the air felt warmer…more, home.  No more. You should have known, pushed her away.  You should have exiled her.  

I shook my head, trying to dispel the thoughts, break away from the feeling of painful euphoria.  The stone beneath my hands and the fittingly icy winds reminded me I wasn’t dreaming.  I would take the day away from Royal Appointments, away from the throne room.  Today is a day to regroup.  The people, my people…rely on me.  They look to me for leadership and advice, they turn to me when they are in doubt.  Now I am the one in doubt – that is no good for anyone.

A day.  That’s what I need.  To be angry.  To be hurt.  To scream out my kingly fury on a page if need be.  I’ve learned now.  Or have you?  Have you truly learned?  To what….trust yourself?  You just let a witch hold you captive for 4 years.  Can you trust you?

It was a good question.  As I backed into my rooms, looking out at the sun, I could still only see the shadows, the darkness.  Who could I trust?

I’m coming back…

Are you ready????

Savor

The sun rose, so I ran away to stay with the night.  Closed the curtains and lay wrapped in ignorant bliss.  All too soon toil would come once more, thus will I savor the moment for the moment it is.

The Wolverine

He Rises